"Hope on a Rope"

"This is from my friend Taku, who was telling us about the Jesus soap he has. I assume the writing can befound on the package. Bizzareness aside, isn't it kinda blasphemous to be rubbing a graven image of the Lord all over your body?"-Stephie-baachan

"wash away your sins with it!only good clean living will get you to heaven so lather up and cleanse your body and soul. holy rose water fragrance,delicious!" - Packaging

The Great American Care-Package

As many of you know, Stephie-baachan (our Japanese correspondent), is in Japan. DUH. Well, a few of us sent her a special All American Care Package. As proof of our success, I told our correspondent to take a picture of her spoils. She really liked the gift and said it totally made her YEAR. Well Done, everyone!

Stephie-baachan's Corner: Japanese English Textbooks

Yesterday I was sitting at my desk flipping through one of my Japanese-government-approved English class textbooks as I was talking to my co-conspirator and brother in arms, Guillermo-san. Now, you will remember that I am currently residing in The Land of the Rising Sun working as an ALT (Sidenote: I will now reveal to you, the chosen few, the true meaning of this acronym: "Assassins Limited". The whole "Assistant Language Teacher" thing is a cover). Since I AM undercover, though, I have to put up a good front, which means that my desk has a nicely diversified collection of English textbooks, dictionaries, teaching guides and whatnot.

But anyways, like I said, I was flipping through a textbook. Now, I have noticed this from a long time ago, and indeed one of the topics we ALTs like to complain the most about is the state of English language education in Japan (seriously, the problems are endless, we NEVER get tired of it). Textbooks are a happy example. Here, for your viewing pleasure, are word-for-word excerpts from some of the books (gotta make sure to cite my sources!):

"We are all high school students. We are on a large ship. The ship sails around the world. We speak different languages. We come from different cultures. We are all different in many ways, but it is OK. We all have the same passport--love and friendship. We also have the same ticket--English. Together, let's use them and make new friends. Come on! Let's go! All aboard!"
(All Aboard English 1 High School English textbook, Lesson 1, pages 10-11)

And another gem:

"This flower is beautiful. That flower is also beautiful. They don't compete with each other. Each flower grows and blooms beautifully. Each is alive and proud. So why do we compete? We too are flowers. Each is unique. Big flowers. Little flowers. We are all different. You're not No. 1? That's all right. Each of us is only one. So let's grow and bloom."
(Captain English 1 High School textbook, Lesson 1, pages 10-11)

WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.

Now, the first one is meh. Incredibly corny, but relatively harmless. The second, however, is painful. It's apparently a translation of a song by SMAP, the popular Japanese boy-band (man-band? All the members are over 30). That brings me to another massive problem with the textbooks. They're amazingly outdated. Many feature inserts with lyrics to songs by the Carpenters (I Need to be in Love, 1976), Olivia Newton-John (Have You Never Been Mellow, 1975), The Beatles (Hey Jude, 1968), and John Lennon (Imagine (1971), which is the defacto national anthem of Japan). I understand that many of these songs are slow and therefore robably easy to understand for ESL students, and I'm not saying that I expect to see Lil' John lyrics (SKEET SKEET SKEET!!!) appearing in the books any time soon, but since they print new books every year (no hardcovers in this education system, everything is paperback because the kids keep the books) can't we at least keep the gap down to LESS THAN 10 YEARS AGO?? I don't think that's much to ask. They also have script samples from movies like Back to the Future (1985), ET (1982) and Titanic (1997). I do applaud them for featuring important figures in history, like MLK Jr and Mother Teresa, but they also constantly have people like Charlie Chaplin. No offense to our old boy Chuck, but come on. They also have some of the most pointlessly ridiculous chapter topics I've ever seen. Like sea otters (no joke). And while I think that learning about kids who were affected by war in Cambodia is important as an anti-war message, I don't think high-school ESL class is the proper vehicle for that. I have a problem with the fact that the students learn the word "land mine" before they learn the present progressive (ex. It is raining.)

Well kids, that's it for today's segment. I hope you enjoyed my ran-- I mean, informational short. As for me, I'm gonna try to not strangle the next textbook vendor that comes into my office. It's not THEIR fault their books are shit.

Stephie-baachan's Corner: Hanami

Hey guys. Wangstation was kind enough to add me as a guest writer on this here blog, so this is the first of (hopefully) many entries by yours truly. Since I'm in Japan and all, I figure I should take advantage and share my experiences with everyone. That being said, gather 'round and listen to Stephie-baachan's story about one of Japan's most revered spring-time customs: cherry-blossom viewing.

Spring. New beginnings. In what will be the first of many examples I will use of Japan taking things from other countries and making them better (i.e. Japanese), Japan has adopted the Western calendar but set April as the first month of the year, to coincide with spring. That's right, folks. In Japan, the "year" goes from April to March. Anywho, this means that schools and companies start anew right about now, which is why anyone who's ever watched a school-themed anime has seen the kids running around under cherry trees in full bloom.

Schoolkids aren't the only ones who enjoy watching the blossoms, though. The big kids enjoy the blossoms too, along with copious amounts of food and alcohol. This, my friends, is the basis for hanami, one of Japan's best examples of legal public drunkenness. Of course, you can enjoy hanami with your family or friends, but who needs those when you have co-workers? Now, hanami parties are an offshoot of Japanese "enkais" (I'll discuss those another time). Essentially Japanese companies dish out cash to have their workers set up camp under the blossoms and eat and drink the night away. How AWESOME is this? It's not all fun and games though. Cherries only bloom for a grand total of maybe 3-5 days, and Japan's obsession with "the transcience of life and impermanence of all things (UNCLE CHARLES!)" means that the cherry blossom hot spots fill up fast. Every year big companies actually appoint someone to become the Official Tree Holder who, on the day of the party, will leave work early to go and save a prime spot under the trees, and woe betide the man or woman who cannot protect a good spot. Anyways, all the co-workers gather, spread tarps on the grass, and break out bento boxes of food and cans of beer, and proceed to get ragingly, wonderfully drunk, toasting everything from each individual petal on the tree to the really short skirts the cute office ladies wear.

Anyway, this post has gone on long enough. I hope it was enough to introduce you to one of Japan's most endearing cultural activities. Maybe you'll be inspired to find a blooming cherry tree of your own to party under. Just don't come complaining to me if you get arrested for streaking while wearing a nothing but a cherry blossom crown.

The "Bible" Manga

Alright, kids. I posted something in the "Planet B-Boy" review that have caused some eyes to burn. It was the following image.


First off, this is not a Japanese manga. The authors are actually Korean. Second, this manga is actually about Jesus. It is a very, very liberal interpretation of Jesus Christ. How do I begin explaining this manga. The following summary is from this translation website.

"Vulcan Markovic lives in a small fishing village in Croatia. He has only two things on his mind--designer goods and losing his virginity. When an indescribably beautiful girl shows up asking for directions to Heaven's Gate, Vulcan takes his first step into "thrilling world-salvation action!!"

Alright, this girl is Jesus.

This is Lucifer...


This is an Apostle...Nazareth...

This is only a two-part manga. Well, I could go over the plot. However, I won't. I'll just let you digest this...

OH! God likes to drive school buses in heaven to pick up dead people (like her little girl...spoiler alert! Jesus dies!). What is the deal with Asia Media and religious imagery? Remember Evangelion? Cross after cross after cross.....why use the religious imagery? Clearly, the authors were having fun with this manga though. There is very minute amount of religious relevance in this work. Taken for what it is, it is a just a ridiculous manga. The answer may be simple though. To these writers, the religious imagery or relation is just HIP or COOL. Now, I'm starting to sounds like an old man. GREAT.

If you want to read this epic, go to website. The files are in zips. I can also send it to you through e-mail.

On a side note, Stephanie Simpson White, our friend from Japan, will be guest-writing at the Opera House from time to time. Welcome her with open arms. Actually, if anyone ever wants to write a post, but not actually have to deal with "blogging," I would be more than happy to "hire" a freelance writer!